Once you see the world through math and science, you'll never see anything the same way again (from a GirlsGoTech.org advertisement)


It has never been about how I can get to the top of my career or where I can be at my richest. All these years, it has almost always been about what I love doing.

I love Math. I love that Math allows me to provide an objective, straightforward explanation for almost every phenomenon in the world. I love that, with Math, I need not do a lot of talking, because everything is predetermined. I just have to know the theory and how it is applied and that’s it, end of story.

Though I wasn’t really this mathematical. I was the artistic grade schooler. I would dance, I would act, I would draw. It was pretty good. But then people saw me dance, act and draw. They were brutally honest, and I got sad.

I continued my search for an identity. High school opened me up to lots of other options, both bad and worse. I settled for a small club that specialized in communication. It was pretty good and I had stayed there for three years.

Then fate led me to Kimleng Cheng.

Mr. Cheng was THE Math teacher. Even seniors who did not like Math adored him, and he adored every single senior, regardless of Math skill. He was Algebra personified. So much that I had to pinch myself just to check if it was really me and another eventual UP magna that he was saying this to: “Magaling kayo sa Math, isasali kayo ng school sa Metrobank Math Challenge.”

Oooookay?

It was too much for a single sentence. You see, I was just starting to like Math. I was not yet sure if I could really love Math, let alone be good at it. But still I gave it a try.

And boy was I hooked. I could not stop studying. I would read every single page of my math books, and consult even college-level ones. It even got to the point where I wasn’t anymore doing it for my school, for the contest, for my contest partner, for Mr. Cheng.

I was doing it for myself.

For some reason, we did not lose. We survived district and city eliminations, and placed fourth at the Caloocan-Malabon-Navotas-Valenzuela round. Though we lost the NCR round, we made it far enough to sit side-by-side with those chinese school students. We made it far enough for me to know what to do in college, with the degree program that I happened to officially choose days -- just days -– before Mr. Cheng’s announcement: Stick with it, as it is a combination of all my interests, including Math...

...but be extremely quantitative about it.

It was pretty good. I was able to crunch numbers without literally drowning in a sea of numbers, because they say that’s not practical. I was able to still be a communicator while constantly reminding myself, through words and actions, that this is not what I love the most.

In June 2009, I pursued what I love the most. I pursued my accidental love. And it was heaven.



~ ~

This is my second semester as a student of applied mathematics. Last semester, I was made to jump from basic algebra straight to both intermediate calculus and probability theory, probably because of my limited Math background. For some reason, I survived. Now I am enrolled in inference and model-building courses, and I seem to be doing pretty well. If all goes well, I can earn my graduate degree by April 2011.

Until then, I’ll continue improving my craft that’s Math. I don’t see myself pursuing another craft. Or, errr, crap. Having tried out quite a few in the past, I can now say that this –- this one right here –- is pretty much final.




Photo taken from http://www.math.hmc.edu/~jacobsen/index2.html

I look back at some of the things I’ve done lately and realize I’ve been playing it safe. This, of course, does not involve my pursuing applied mathematics or hanging out with someone from Ireland or quitting watching American Idol, because these were unconscious decisions. What I lack, I think, is the drive to make bolder moves -– on purpose, for myself.

February 2010 will be different. I will do and I will be what many people, or even I myself, have never expected of me. It will come as a surprise. Rumors will spread, hearts will pound, speculations will arise. This could not have come at a better time. Now more than ever, I need to take risks. I can’t die of mediocrity. It’s worse than cancer.

I am turning 21, and I am turning things around. Watch your back.

Call me a copycat, but the idea behind my most recent solo picture came from the final photo shoot on Make Me A Supermodel Season 2, where the finalists were asked to go naked and stand in front of the camera barefaced -- no make-up, no accessories, no Photoshop. The photo of the eventual winner Branden Rickman struck me the most, because it was Boy Branden stripped of all the drama.



I was longing for the same thing. Shots taken of me (and maybe even of most people) had always been staged, prepared for. I got tired of doing all those complicated facial expressions & body movements and posing with all those unnecessary accessories & backgrounds (utensils when at restaurants, fountains when at parks, the list goes on). I got tired of telling the people taking my picture (one of whom was me) to select the best possible camera settings, count from 1 to 3 (so I could flash the best smile or project the best angle, those stuff), and eventually hide my flaws. Sometimes, it needs to be just me -- straight on, in your face.



Liberating, that's the word. It felt good to finally reveal myself with just RAW emotions and facial features, especially in the time when countless social networking sites encourage people to "choose best photo," "crop photo," "adjust thumbnail version of photo." "Like photo." This could not have come at a better time. I'm turning 21 in a few weeks, and 2010 is a fresh new decade for me. It was important for a camera to capture what the last year of my second decade has done to me -- eye stye grows back, forehead widens, cheek and shoulder bones pop out, skin peels off, weight drops, lips go bloody red.

I don't think I'll come up with a better picture ever again.

And just in case you're having doubts, this photo is unretouched. Call a Photoshop expert, and she'd tell you that the only editing I did to this picture was reduction to 75% of the original size. I did not want to take up so much blog space.

I’m doing it again. This is my third time viewing Starmometer’s annual list of 100 sexiest men in the Philippines. Last year, they gave the first five spots to Piolo Pascual, Gerald Anderson, Will Devaughn, Sam Milby and Aljur Abrenica. Of course, I had a different take on things (duh, Piolo???). My Top 2 to 5 were model Bruno Folster, model Enchong Dee, actor Jake Cuenca and singer Gian Magdangal, respectively. Topping MY 2008 list was Kian Kazemi from Pinoy Big Brother. (Angelo’s complete 2008 list HERE)

Oh yes, I’m doing it again. This time, I’m seeing a much different list, but some of the men from 2008 are still here. Will I retain the same people I chose, or will I replace them completely? It’s somewhere in between.


FIRST STAGE – Elimination (I scanned Starmometer's list of 100 for 2009, and instantly eliminated the men who I think aren’t hot enough to make it to MY list. They are now down to just 21.)

1. Aljur Abrenica

9. Jon Avila

15. Enchong Dee
16. Jake Cuenca

18. Ronnie Liang
19. Zanjoe Marudo

23. Coco Martin

26. Ejay Falcon
27. Alfred Vargas
28. Hayden Kho
29. Rayver Cruz

35. Geoff Eigenmann

40. Victor Basa

43. Xian Lim

45. Van Roxas

51. Marco Morales

57. Phil Younghusband

79. Richard Poon

93. Paul Soriano
94. Luke Jickain

100. Jeff Surio


SECOND AND FINAL STAGE – Ranking (Then I arranged the 21 men according to my, err, recent biases and preferences.)

And so, finally, here’s MY 2009 list! At number 21 is. . .

21. Luke Jickain

20. Richard Poon

19. Alfred Vargas

18. Marco Morales

17. Jake Cuenca

16. Van Roxas

15. Zanjoe Marudo

14. Geoff Eigenmann

13. Hayden Kho

12. EJay Falcon

11. Rayver Cruz




( Indie star turned primetime bida. The calculus professor. And who's my number one??? Continue reading. . . At number 10 is. . . )

Lately, I've been looking for the best way of writing about my "firsts" this 2009 -- leaving teenage life; playing RockBand; creating Facebook and Twitter accounts; reading dozens of self-help books; receiving a Toshiba laptop; graduating with high honors; earning a thesis award; "experiencing" "Kimchi" and "Shepherd"; forgetting about "Mathematics"; growing an inch in skull diameter; receiving an indecent proposal from someone of the opposite sex; entering Statistics school; surviving a really tough Statistics subject; getting scarily thinner and paler; recovering; suffering from a nervous system disease; recovering; being unaffected by a strong typhoon; getting lost in EDSA; visiting Bonifacio High Street; reuniting with three long lost friends; hearing from my long lost yaya; being mistaken for Enchong Dee and Ya Chang; entering Embassy; having whipped cream in my mouth; getting locked in a public restroom with a complete stranger.

It can be tiring.

2009 has been very good to me. In fact, things have been all good, with the succeeding year being a little bit better than the precedent. And for that, I’m super thankful.

Thank you 2009, for helping me keep my sanity, when I was at my most vulnerable. It was late December, and bastard 2008 brought along two “soldiers” from Europe. I was caught off guard, but you rescued me. You rescued me and brought my attention back to something -– and someone -– else.

Thank you 2009, for making me reach my 20th year, alive and kicking. I thought I’d retire at 18, but you gave me two more gay years. Though turning 20 marks the end of teeny weeny days, it welcomes a whole new perspective on things. And I’m loving it.

Speaking of new perspectives. Thank you also, for bringing along Eckhart Tolle, Marcus Buckingham and other geniuses of self-help. I had a nice time reading.

Thank you 2009, for rewarding me with the title, of magna cum lande. I mean laude. I dreamt of just graduating, but still you gave it to me. It was beyond my wildest dreams, but still you gave it to me. I promise to make good use of it, and its every word. Especially the “cum” part.

Thank you 2009, for giving me and my BFF in the world, the best thesis award. All we wanted was to finish our study, but still you gave it to us. It’ll always be remembered.

Thank you 2009, for all the good friends and acquaintances, during my undergraduate days. To K3, for all the LOL and b*tch moments. To the other MassCommers, for just being there and keeping the killer “attitude” alive. To the friends I never thought I had, my gosh, why just recently??? To “some other” friends, mwahugz. The ever-present Reverence people, kelan ang next reunion? These people will forever be in my mind, heart and/or genitals.

Onto your second half. Thank you 2009, for making me realize, that I have to take my passion for quantitative research, to the next level. And for giving me a new home away from home that’s Statistics school.

And more thank-you’s for letting me survive the first of its seven core subjects, which is arguably the toughest. I’m looking forward to learning more about and finishing all the other six. By April 2011.

Thank you 2009, for an all-new set of friends and acquaintances.

Thank you 2009, for saving me, and my family, and our house, from Ondoy. For letting us be part of the lucky 20% or so. For making me realize, that Valenzuela is where my heart is, and will always be. At least until April 2011.

Thank you 2009, for even the random things you’ve done to me. Things which may seem negative, or negligible, but have surely made me stronger, wiser and kinder. And more at ease with myself? Probably. Because whatever happens, I’ll forever be the same old me, nothing more and nothing less. And you reinforced that.

Of course, thank you, still, for the wonderful little sister, and the ever-supportive parents.

And thank you, for giving me, me.

Okay, just erase that.

But let me be clear. I respect people who worship God all day everyday. I think it’s such a beautiful thing to do. But when we let this become the sole determinant of how we live our lives, that’s what I have a problem with.

I get it, we’ve been dominated by a strongly catholic nation that’s Spain. Decades ago, they told us to attend masses, glorify religious figures, pray the rosary, etcetera. And that if we don’t do these, we are sinners, and will go to hell.

As a result, we embraced such beliefs. We said and did everything holy, and eventually passed these on to the next generation. The cycle continued and here we are, the newest breed of catholics.

Again, these are such beautiful habits. I believe these do work for the betterment of people, really. But it is 2010 already. I may be wrong, but I believe such things do not apply to everyone anymore. With the growing popularity of mass media, formal education, traveling, etcetera, some of us may have already seen and heard a whole lot more.

Let me break it down.

Many mothers are single mothers. They have taken on the role of providing, because of some bastard man who cheated on or abused them. They work from mid morning to late afternoon, go overtime in certain occasions, and take care of their children from late evening to early morning. And oh, their bodies need some rest. Attending the mass every Sunday and those other little church stuff on weekdays would just be torture.

Also, there is such a thing as claustrophobia, or fear of being closed in. People who are claustrophobic cannot stay in places such as the church where hundreds of people just come and go without notice. They have to take care of their health, so they just pray at home. And there are people who just cannot concentrate in crowded places.

Another thing, in these tough economic times, not all houses are big houses. And not all houses are really houses; some are just simple apartments or dorm rooms. Houses such as these have to be carefully planned so that every single square foot is properly utilized. It is thus not practical to crowd them with dozens of saints, bibles, rosaries etcetera. These are not only space consuming, but very expensive as well. Maybe four or five will do.

My point is, certain circumstances or individual characteristics do not permit strict compliance with the traditional “catholic way.” At times, people have to think about themselves too. But this does not mean they are not being good children of God. They may not be able to conform to the norm, but their love for God remains the same. That they miss a mass or two or do not have all those religious memorabilia at home does not make them less catholic. And people who claim to be really catholic cannot say that their peers are being less catholic.

They are only being practical.

And hey, aren’t there more important issues that have to be addressed?

Strong reliance on God. Some people do not couple prayers with real-life actions and solutions. He only keeps us on track; we are the ones who need to travel the path. We have to have faith in ourselves too.

Neglect of family and friends. Some people love God so much that they forget about living, breathing entities. We should not.

Physical presence, and emotional absence. Some of those who go to church aren’t really there for the mass. They just chitchat with their friends or do PDAs with their more-than-friends or...or...or long for the end of the mass! **Isn’t this far worse than being at home -– completely undistracted -– and devoting your time only to Him?

Etcetera.

There is a need to redefine religiosity. Our great grandparents (and maybe even our immediate grandparents) have already passed away, and old customs are gradually being displaced by a more practical, more people-based and more modern way of living. By people who are more informed and independent.

The oh-so-traditional just does not work everytime anymore.




**#8, "What I Know For Sure"


Picture taken from http://scanned.wordpress.com/2007/09/24/have-you-been-a-bad-catholic-today/

I’ve been to so many malls and seen so many things which I would’ve been able to buy. Things which people my age can already buy, or may have already bought. Things I dream of having.

I wonder what it’s like to have a new pair of shoes every single month. To smell the aroma of freshly brewed espresso while my fingers brush through a shiny iPhone and a white, untainted Apple Macbook. To par-tay. It must feel good being an urban yuppie. The clothes, the trips, the eating out. . .

This can wait. I’ve figured myself out well enough to know when my time should finally come. And it’s not anytime soon. Or in 2010.

For now, I am the full-time graduate student.

I want to disprove certain stereotypes about us, dumb kids. These have been bothering us for hours, and of course it’s not okay. Really, we’re just like other kids. They’re only, like, less dumb. And who says it sucks being stupid? So not true. I mean, why use the brain when you can use the many other parts of your booty instead. Body, rather. Anyways, so on behalf of all the dumb kids in the world, I’m speaking out:


~ 1 ~
Myth: We suck at Math.
Fact: We’re good at Math. We know how to add and subtract two-digit numbers.

~ 2 ~
Myth: We had bad grammar.
Fact: We have well grammar. We only hiding it because we had other, LOL, skills.

~ 3 ~
Myth: We can’t handle conversations in English.
Fact: Uhm. Well. Oh no no. We don’t feel any pressure right now. Ahuh. Ya. Uhm, wait lang. Ahahahaha. Let me call muna my pamily.

~ 4 ~
Myth: We don’t read.
Fact: We do. We read the scores of Starstruck survivors and the advertisements in the Pinoy Big Brother house.

~ 5 ~
Myth: We always hang out at stinky internet shops.
Fact: We go to internet shops only when it is badly needed. Like when we have to harvest veggies from our farm or level up.

~ 6 ~
Myth: We hate students who are less dumb.
Fact: That magna bitch!

~ 7 ~
Myth: We take only the usual college courses and attend the usual colleges.
Fact: Ay secret na lang. Baka tumaas blood pressure mo.

~ 8 ~
Myth: We want boyfriend/girlfriend, sex, and own children as soon as possible.
Fact: We don’t. We know the importance of waiting. We won’t date until we’re 13. We won’t make out until we’re 16. And we won’t baby boom until we finish a year in nursing school.

~ 9 ~
Myth: We type in alternating uppercase and lowercase letters.
Fact: ELoW pOh! HnDeH 22o yaN.. MaAyuZ kMi mg-TyPe,,,. uu

I’ve heard it all, stereotypes associated with the two colleges I’m a member of. Of course, not all of them are true. Some are exaggerated. Some are even VERY offensive. But still I’d tell myself, “They’re worth talking about.”

It all probably sprang from the fact that these two disciplines are at the opposite ends of the spectrum. One specializes in something, while the other one doesn’t. One thinks that what the other one is good at is not relevant, and the other one does the same. An endless clash of strengths and weaknesses.

Sure, it is not fun on the part of the student being stereotyped. But still, these stereotypes never cease to entertain.

So let us break it all down:



ENGLISH/SPEECH/*MASS COMMUNICATION STUDENT STEREOTYPES


1. The Number Dummy

Preppy outfit? Check. Flashy powerpoint slides. Check. Charisma, personality, face value? Super check! But critical thinking, and depth of understanding? We’re not sure. Of course, Communication students never fail to impress. Hell yes, they were taught how to be impressive. But most of the time, it stays at that. More entertainment, less substance. Like a noontime variety show.


2. The Gay in Bright Pastel Pink

They say it’s not just Mass Communication, but Malalang Cavaclaan. Most likely, if you’re an MC student, you fall under one of two new gender categories: bading and babaeng bading. Try going to a school of communication. If you don’t hear loud giggles about latest gossips or hot Ateneo (pronounced as "Areneo") guys, I’ll give you 69,000 pesos. Conggggggratulations!


3. The Verbal Diarrhea Victim

Anober sister, kebs sa jowa na pagkadaming datung, kaya ayun tsugi ang beauty mo. Chorva ka talaga. Wafaz mo na! They never run out of words, and words for those words. The only people who can bear with them are their family (probably with the exception of homophobe fathers –- so NOT like mine), their fellow Malalang Vaclas, and people who don’t have ears. Meh ganon? OMG. Now nah!!!



SCIENCE/MATHEMATICS/ENGINEERING/*STATISTICS STUDENT STEREOTYPES

1. The Wrong Grammarian

They know all the ways of reducing various phenomena into numbers and variables. But come explanation and presentation time, they fail miserably. Yes, they deliver to you meaningful analyses and interpretations. But it stays at that -- just mere bombardment of facts and figures. If they can attract your attention and keep you hooked, that’s the (big) question.


2. The Straight Heterosexual

All they care about are their differential equations, floor plans and machine models. If it’s not in their list of protocols and syntaxes, it doesn’t exist. They do not entertain the idea of deviance or nonconformity.


3. The (Wo)Man of Very Few Words

K tnx bye.




I know. Having been to *both colleges, I just know. And sometimes, these stereotypes can be hurtful. But whatever (pronounced as "Wharever").

So which of the two colleges/disciplines is better? I can’t choose, for I love them both. I can only get the “best of both worlds,” and prove that they can combine. And complement each other. Beautifully.




Pictures taken from:
http://www.dirtandnoise.com/2008_01_27_archive.html
http://www.sodahead.com/united-states/amsterdam-gay-christmas-celebration-all-in-fun-or-malicious-attack/question-216220/
http://www.images.com/image/52732/talkative-woman-on-telephone/?&results_per_page=1&detail=TRUE&page=20
http://www.images.com/image/52732/talkative-woman-on-telephone/?&results_per_page=1&detail=TRUE&page=20
http://www.moderntosh.com/category/video/
http://leaveittoavery.wordpress.com/

I strongly believe that **we can never correct our weaknesses. Yes, we can address them, but we cannot completely force ourselves to embrace them and work on them. Instead, we should spend time focusing on what we’re good at and have always loved -- our strengths.

I used to believe I could improve my, ehem, design skills. I could not sketch. I could not color within the lines. I did not even have a “vision.” I had a classmate then –- his name starts with an “L” -– who always got things right. He and his art works were the epitome of beauty and cleanliness. I, on the other hand, was a total mess.

So I worked on this, and yes I improved. I went from being a really bad artist to just a bad artist.

I’ve always wanted to love qualitative research. It’s one of the two major components of my undergraduate degree, and it was important that I at least appreciate it. So I tried to. Very, very hard.

But I still hated it.

I have many other weaknesses that I’ve tried to improve. Dancing. Fashion. Philippine, Asian and World History. Marketing. Being alcoholic. Snobbing. They say it’s doable, so I kept on trying. For months and months and months. But nothing drastic happened. I only got very, very tired.

And so I had to STOP.

Is this really worth my time? Is this really worth my energy? What if I’m good (or, no, excellent) at many other things?

As I see it, I could have had more than one option that time. Either I continue striving to go from really bad to just bad (What an ambition.).

Or realize that whatever I do, I’ll forever be a nerdy, communicative, sober number cruncher.

Good thing I knew better.




**#19, "What I Know For Sure"